Suddenly Dishonest!
Joanna posted a picture on her blog today, of her wig back in its box and about to get put away for a while. I can relate to her post-Sparkle blues and the wistful feeling of de-princessing. In my case though the wig went into the box, the box (and everything else) went into a suitcase, the case went into the car and got taken some 50 miles away where it will stay until goodness knows when.
I live with someone who knows nothing about this side of me, and who would certainly not understand it. (I don’t actually understand it myself.) For the last few years however my partner has gone on extended holidays and this has given me the opportunity to experiment and develop a part of me that was for so many years kept locked up and shoved down in a corner of my mind. Previously prior to her return, I purged, and the Salvation Army got some pretty natty duds as a result, but last year I found someone who would store my stuff, so I felt able to buy some wigs and go a bit further knowing I wouldn’t have to throw everything away on her return.
However there is a disadvantage to this. The level of dishonesty has gone up several notches (natch!). My activity while she was around was limited to reading a few odd blogs, never commenting though. There was only one ‘secret’ and it was that while she was away for a few weeks I dressed. And as the months went by the secret got further into the past, who knew if the opportunity would ever come again? There was no secret cache of clothes or make-up, no secret group of people I had met – no link to the world of tg. There was just me with a desire in me that I could by and large keep locked up and shoved down.
Then last year things changed. Now there was a secret cache of clothes, there were pictures of me on the internet, there were people I had met, I had a profile on the Angels site, posts and comments scattered around on various forums and blogs. This year it ramped up still more. I have been out in public, I have a blog of my own, a handful of people I email. Kate is no longer shoved into a corner of the closet and put into hibernation – she is part of my day to day life. And the person who shares my life, knows nothing about her.
I am suddenly dishonest.
One of the pieces of advice I am only too quick to give out to people in various situations is, never go with the flow; the path of least resistance is not usually the path that leads you to where you want to be; if you must have regrets let them be for things you did rather than for things you failed to do. Yet I seem to have drifted into this situation. I didn’t plan it. I took a series of actions and this situation is the consequence, it probably wasn’t rocket science to actually predict it, it didn’t just happen, but I was too busy being excited and happy and eager to exploit the brief window of opportunity when it presented itself to foresee it. And I don’t know what’s going to happen next.
posted by Kate Weston @ 1:48 pm
6 comments
6 Comments:
Interesting post, I enjoyed it a lot.
"One of the pieces of advice I am only too quick to give out to people in various situations is, never go with the flow; the path of least resistance is not usually the path that leads you to where you want to be."
That's very true, but maybe it's thinking of a life as one entity. Sometimes you can take the hard road with one part of your like (like a career), and let other parts just go with the flow. We're all guilty of dropping one ball while we try to keep the others up, and that's maybe what you've done here.
And yes, it's bad to be dishonest, but sometimes it's the lesser of many evils.
It is bad to be dishonest but, as Becky said, it can be the lesser of many evils.
The important thing for me has always to try and be honest to myself, as, in my thinking anyhow, that's who you spend every second of the day with, thats where the metaphorical buck finally stops.
It is also important that you don't beat yourself up about it too much though, sometimes being dishonest is the only viable option.
I'm not envious of your position, Kate. I was there myself, some years ago. The deceit involved was tearing me apart: I couldn't give that part of me up, and I was petrified of losing everything.
There is no black and white, we live in a world buzzing with technicolor splendor. You know your situation intimately and the risks you run. Beware people giving you advice. If things go pear-shaped, they don't have to live with the consequences, do they?
Thanks all.
Becky - I think your right about life being multi-thread - mind you it means theres more balls to keep your eye on.
Freiya - in this case it is definitely the lesser of two evils and the only viable option at present.
Isobel - I think your first paragraph captures the whole situation in a nutshell. Only so far the deceit isn't actually tearing me apart just making me a bit uncomfortable - but its early days yet :)
I relate to this exactly Kate, as i too have been there. Except she did (and does) know, and hates it, and after a lot of pain I resolved that i couldn't take the step of going out and having to do it without her knowing. It's a long story.
Of course her hating it doesn't change a thing, essentially, for me inside. I still feel as I do and that's not influenced by what others think. How can it be?
I recognise so well that turmoil about not wishing to be dishonest, but equally wishing to true to the you inside. One other way to think of it is to look at what her needs are. Does she need to know? Would it make her happier, or needlessly upset and angry? What would be the outcome of that for you, and for her?
'Honesty' is not the only noble instinct.
Hello!
Wow, I've found the same to be true too! How did you find that?
Bye, - MyGirl!
[color=#9db][url=online-paid-survey-yahoocomazzramlu.blogspot.com]see how I make free money with paid online surveys[/url][/color]
Post a Comment
<< Home